Some time ago I made a decision without really knowing it that I was going to gain some weight. The minute I took risperidone to deal with the hallucinations I made the decision to gain weight, only nobody told me I would be gaining weight. Most antipsychotics have as least some weight gain as a side effect including my current aripiprizole. I had always been thin so gaining weight rapidly came as a shock. Feeling the need to eat stale cupcakes because I felt like I was starving came as a shock and embarrassment as well.
So every day when I go to the medicine cabinet I make a choice this time knowingly, plump or insane? So far, I’ve chosen plump but given that we’re dealing with something external that everyone knows vs something internal I can hide it’s actually a very public decision. I may not have the extreme cravings anymore but they return if I try to cut back on food. I can’t lose weight even by shifting to an all veg diet and adding exercise because there is a change in the microbial flora that leads to increased storage as fat. So while I don’t embrace my plumpness, I’ve come to accept it.